I realized after having had Mimi here for the past months, and desiring her with her not desiring me, yet comfortable to be here with me, and consciously knowing or unknowing, of those dynamics, is exactly where Hila was, when she was here with me. These are what children do with parents, that is, they are still somewhat contained in their child world of taking and not giving, and believing a sense of a particular order of entitlement, and at the same time believing the parent to be “unaware” and or incapable of seeing what is present. They must therefor strategize their dependency and hold closely that strategy so as to not lose their relative survival needs being met.
This engagement of choosing girls over woman began with having chosen Kerensa over Raluca, and continued forward into Rita, Hila, and Mimi. This choice was made to steer relationships with women toward fun and sexual recreation vs children and family.
The insight here is recognizing the child (to take) vs adult (to give) dynamic I have led my relationships into that began with Kerensa. Where Lois gave me recreational aspect of relationship, I could not give her the adult relationship she desired.
Actions and change of habit–
1. Dissolve the child/adult dynamic in your present and future relationships.
2. Rebuild yourself as an adult so that you can now get into better communication with other adults.
3. Create the goal of integrating the pleasure and cultivation aspect with women and clarifying with, child women, the roles that are present as child and adult.
4. Re-evaluate and reprioritize Income bearing programs to facilitate trip to Costa Rica.